Why am I so insane?

To be honest, I have absolutely no idea. Could it be some form of chemical imbalance? Could it be my upbringing? I really couldn't tell you. But I can tell you that I've made some decisions in my life that I don't think too many people would call, "sound." The topic of this paticular blog will deal specifically with one of these decisions. You, my loyal reader can be the judge. But just this once. Who are you to judge me?

As you may recall in my inaugural blog, I mentioned that I made a somewhat abrupt depature from the life of waiting tables. What I didn't mention was the detailed thought process that went into that decision. Perhaps I could have handled things differently. Or, perhaps, I'm a little insane. Let's find out.

The story starts with the phenomenon that is known as, "The Secret." I am actually very proud to say that I was privy to, "The Secret," before Oprah got her mitts on it. (Oh yeah, I'm ahead of the curve) For those of you who don't know, the Secret (got tired of writing quotes) is the concept of the law of attraction. This states that whatever you focus on and attach emotions to, is what you will bring into your life.

So I'm thinking, "I can do that." I proceeded to focus on the idea of making my living solely from acting. It is what I've always wanted. So it occured to me that, if it's what I really wanted, I needed to invoke the laws of the universe to help me acquire it. And that's what I did.

And you know what, it was actually working on a few levels. I scored a paid acting gig. It wasn't enough to live on. Not by a long shot. But it was a nice supplemental income. Also, I scored a gig teaching drama at an after school program. Again, it wasn't a lot of money but great supplemental income. And I don't care what you say, teaching drama counts as acting income. So now I'm on a roll. The law of attraction was working in my favor. Nothing could possibly go wrong. Except my insanity.

So during this time, I'm continuing to go on auditions. But not just any auditions. E.P.A.'s. For you civilians out there, an EPA is an Equity Principal Audition. That's the type of audition where, Union actors are cast. It is also where a great majority of the paid gigs are found. And that's where the gold was for me. As well as, every single actor in New York.

The slight drawback is that I'm not a Union actor. However, Non-Union actors can get an opportunity to audition if they know a few of the tricks. One of them, is to go where the Union actors aren't willing to go. In this particular case, it was Madison, New Jersey. Not that there's anything wrong with Madison. It's just that it's really, really far from New York City.

So I trekked out to Madison, NJ in hopes of maybe being able to audition for a theatre company. (By the way, real actors spell theatre with the "re" not an gauche "er") Miraculously, I was able to get an audition time. Here was the catch: I also had to be at work about 15 minutes after my audition time. And since I was about an hour and a half away from the city, I figured I was going to be late.

So I did the responsible thing. I called up my job and told them that I was going to be running a wee bit late. Lucky for me, the General Manager picks up the phone. Because if you're going to call in late, the person you want to tell is the highest boss on the food chain. I tell her the situation and she says, "We'll talk about it when you come in." Let me write that again because I don't think you caught the enormity of this statement. "We'll TALK about it when you come in."

You see what I'm saying? Where does she get off? What was there to TALK about? I had something that I wanted to do and going in to work on time that night wasn't one of them. Where's the problem? It's a crappy job. What on earth do you expect? Quite frankly, she should have been thankful for every second that I was willing to waste away in that stinkhole. But she decided to take the stance that I was doing something, "wrong." That I needed to be, "reprimanded."

Let me tell you something else. I'm a grown ass man. What the fuck was I doing working a job that put me in a situation where I could be, "reprimanded," in the first place. I can tell you right now, I've seen and worked with many a fuck-up. I am no fuck-up. I should not be treated as such. Even when I fuck up.

So my audition went wonderfully, by the way. In fact, I did get a callback. But at the time, it's not the top subject on my mind. I'm focused on the fact that I'm standing in a train station in Madison, NJ waiting for the train that will make me about an hour and a half late for a crappy job that I don't even want. And, I was going to have to sit through some TALK.

Lastly, I was armed with the power of, The Secret. I didn't need no stinking job waiting tables. I had a paid acting gig; I had a teaching gig; I had future money that I didn't even know about. I had the power to bring into my life whatever I could have imagined. So why the fuck was I going into that place. I deserved better. My body deserved better. My soul deserved better.

I finally decided to simply drop off of their radar. I wouldn't show up. I wouldn't call. They wouldn't know if I were dead or alive. That taught 'em. There will be no, "talking," with this guy.

So I ask you: Was this an act of insanity? Maybe. Or rather, was it a leap of faith? An attempt to truly connect with what I feel is really important. I'd like to think it was that latter. A lot of times, I've found myself getting stuck in a rut. I wanted to play it safe. I had a limited idea of what I felt I could accomplish. And sometimes, when you want to break out of that rut, you have to do something drastic. Maybe that's not always the case. Maybe there are better ways to handle it. But I can tell you this, I landed on my feet then and I'll land on my feet again.

We, as humans, have a remarkable ability to adapt. I don't think we give ourselves enough credit for that. We only get one shot at this incarnation of life. We should make the most of it. We should not live our lives in fear. Anything short of absolute happiness is cheating yourself.

Call me crazy.