Why is it so difficult to stay in touch?

Despite my various sarcastic, insane rantings about how I have no friends, I would like to take this opportunity to admit that I do, in fact, have quite a few friends. I would even say plenty of friends. Unfortunately, my behavior doesn't necessarily reflect this belief. There are many people in my life who I consider very close friends and yet I have not spoken to some of them in months or even years. Hell, it almost feels like a blood feud. Except that it's not. It's something entirely different.

I would like to think that it's a simple matter of just being really busy. I've been living in New York for just over 11 years now. I've been working my hustle; Trying to make ends meet; Trying to survive; Trying to flourish in my career. It really is a hectic life and it can be very draining. And as a result, it can be very difficult to maintain relationships with people who are sitting right there in front of your face everyday.

Sure, I think those are all valid points. But I will now challenge myself to go a little bit deeper. And I will challenge you, all eight of my readers (I saw the poll. It's only eight of you. The poll says nine but one of them was me. And the polls never lie) to join me on my little journey. I think we'll all learn a little something together.

For one thing, I am a huge procrastinator. I'm really really really really bad at addressing the issues in a timely manner. In fact, that's an entirely different blog entry of how many things in life have been put on the back burner for no real reason. But as a result of this chronic procrastination, I have simply put off getting in touch with a lot of people that I consider friends. I mean to call but I just don't get around to it. The timing just doesn't seem right. Maybe it's a little too early. Maybe it's a little too late. Maybe there's something really good on TV. Maybe I'm working on the high score of my latest video game. The "what" isn't really the issue here people. The point is, for some reason I can't seem to get myself to pick up a phone or even drop an occasional email. And it's not just in my complete lack of communication with people, it seems to have infiltrated much of my life activities.

Okay, so that seems like an even more fairly valid point. But I don't think it really answers the question. I think I need to go even deeper. I need to lay it all out there. Regardless of how silly it may sound. Or gut-wrenching. I'm not sure which one it is.

Like so many people, I was never really popular in High School. (Although I would like to take this opportunity to say that I was admitting this fact way before it was cool to admit this fact. Way before, "Freaks and Geeks," and, "SuperBad.") In fact, I seriously question whether or not the people I did hang out with even wanted me around. Whether that was true or not is completely irrelevent. I do know that my idea of friendship involved trying really hard not to offend people so that I could be included. Which, in retrospect, doesn't seem like the healthiest approach to life.

Then there was the home front. I will not get into too many details but I will give you the gist in terms of how it relates to the question. I didn't have a lot of money growing up. That's no big deal. A lot of people didn't. But at the same time, I went to a High School that consisted of mostly upper-middle class people. On top of that, I wasn't exactly raised in an environment where the door was open and all were welcomed to come in and visit. As a result, I was always hesitant to extend invitations to visit. It was always a little embarrassing to have a friend from school trek over into the ghetto. I wasn't exactly proud of the way I was living. Besides, it was definitely much cooler to hang out in their homes. I mean wouldn't you rather hang out in front of a big screen TV instead of a 19". I rest my case.

But even though I'm all grown up and I should be well beyond any of this shit, I do think that old habits die hard. I know that the people that are in my life now are there because they want to be there. Because they enjoy my company. I know that have a life to be proud of and that any one of my friends is more than welcomed to see it and enjoy it with me. But after many years of being comfortable with keeping to myself, it becomes more difficult let people now these things. On top of that, the more that you fail to let these special people know these things, the more time passes without them hearing it. And more the more time passes without them hearing it, the more difficult it becomes to say. And then, instead having a simple conversation about how your week has been, you end up saying things like, "Wow. I didn't know you got married!" I mean that's a very jarring statement to have to make to somebody who you actually consider close.

Hopefully, by making this confession, I can come to terms with all of it. I will start with baby steps. Maybe a few emails here and there. Maybe a phone call once in a while. Maybe even plans to meet up for a lunch or two. Nothing crazy. Just a few simple gestures to let the people in my life know that I care about them. I would say, "You know who you are," but given the current circumstances I would understand if you're confused about your status. But don't worry, as soon as I find your number, I'll be telling you personally.