Why am I not excited about this Sunday?

Over the course of my life, I've had the privilege of having many Jewish friends. And yet, not a single one of them has ever invited me to a Seder. Last year, I realized that, because we were such good friends, they chose to spare me this "experience." I don't want to sound rude or disrespectful but the thing about Passover is that it's not...fun. Not in the least.

For those of you who don't know, my girlfriend is Jewish. We've been together for about 2 years and this year will be my second Seder. Now let me pull back just a little bit here and say that Passover isn't a completely horrible experience. In fact, last year, I was actually rather excited to go to my first Seder. In fact, I think I'll write a children's book called, "Damon's First Seder." The point is that it was a new experience for me. And I like new experiences. I mean who doesn't?

I will also say that I do like my girlfriend's family. Oh, there are a couple of characters here and there, but honestly, I challenge you to name one family that doesn't have at least two or three "colorful" characters roaming around in that family tree. But I really do think that they are all cool people. And the little nephews and cousins are just so cute.

Then there's the ritualistic aspect which I found to be fascinating. First of all, I can rock a Yarmulke. Oh yes I can. Which has boosted my confidence into making me believe that I can look good in anything. I also liked the part where everybody reads. I have absolutely no recollection of what we read or what is was about, but I liked that everyone got a chance to do it. I liked how, at one point, you had to open the door for some reason. Then there are the songs. How could I forget the beautiful songs? There is nothing in this world like a group of unenthusiastic Jewish singers.

Which brings me to my next point. It really does feel like no one wants to be there. There is very little excitement and buzz centered around this holiday. I'm sure my girlfriend's family isn't indicative of how all Jews run their Seders. But I couldn't help but repeatedly ask myself the question, "If no one's really into this, then why are they doing it?" I mean you'd think they would have made an attempt to put on a show for the new Goy. (I just wanted to show off my Yiddish vocabulary. Also, for full disclosure, I had to Google the correct spelling of Yarmulke.)

But here's the kicker. The ultimate reason why I'm completely dreading this trip and the few hours that will be robbed from my life is this: The food at the Seder is God-awful. I mean come on. This is the 21st century people. There is an array of wonderful new spices just begging to be used. Actually, the brisket is okay. But please do not get me started on the Gefilte Fish. I took one bite of that horrendous concoction and couldn't even pretend to be polite about it. All I could ask was, "Why?! Why?! Why?! Why are they doing this? Why is this on the table?"

Finally, what really just bakes my cookies is the fact that the Seder is supposed to last for TWO DAYS. They go through this painful series of events two days in a row. I have just a little bit of advice for the Jewish people. I'm not saying that the Christians have it right, but there is one thing that Goyim do that just makes things a little easier: SPACE THAT SHIT OUT. You really can't do back-to-back family gatherings. Everybody's family is a little nuts. That's why you've got to break it up just a little bit. You notice that Christmas isn't the day after Thanksgiving. In fact, I personally think a month in between in cutting it close. And you damn sure don't see Easter and Christmas right on top of each other. That would be shear madness.

Anyway, because I am not one of the Chosen people, I get to take a pass on the first day. And my girlfriend, through guilt by association, is also entitled to take advantage of the first day off. This will actually be the first time in her life that she's done that. Here's the part I don't get: Instead of jumping for joy at the one day reprise, she's feeling incredibly guilty. I've always thought that the concept of "Jewish guilt" was just a horrible stereotype. It turns out that it's actually true. It also turns out that it's an incredibly powerful force. It has managed to bring families together to suffer through an incredibly mediocre meal for thousands of years. And it is now a part of my life. (Unless I could somehow convince everyone in her family to just decide that they're Italian)

But I've made my choice. I'm living my life with my Jewish girlfriend and all of the customs, rituals, overwhelming guilt, and the annual feast that comes with it. I guess I'll just have to suffer through it: what with the loving her and all. But I will tell you this: I will have my revenge. One day, when she least expects it, I will drag her to a Kwanzaa celebration.